New Releases: August 29

1. Babylon A.D. (3,390 Theaters, 90 Minutes, Rated PG-13): Yes, the Labor Day weekend. The unofficial end to summer. The time when kids prepare to go to school. And when Hollywood dumps the last of their summer rejects on us before they bring out the Oscar and Holiday films.

This film seems to be one Fox kind of abandoned. I might have seen an ad on TV for it once, maybe? At least not as many times as the ads for the other two movies released today.

After reading this, it might be a case almost like when a man finds a woman attractive, invites her into his life, and then immediately begins changing everything about her to match up with his ideal. Then, when he’s done with the make over, he realizes that he’s not attracted to her anymore and sends her on her way.

As for the movie itself, it seems like a more dour version of The Fifth Element. Like we need that.

 2. Disaster Movie (2,642 Theaters, 90 Minutes, Rated PG-13): Okay, let’s go over this again. I’ll tell you the same thing I told you when Meet the Spartans came out. You didn’t listen to me then and that movie opened at number one. Hopefully, you’ll listen to me now.

Do not go and see this movie.

 Seriously. This film is made by the same guys who made Date Movie, the completely awful Epic Movie, and the aforementioned Spartans. So you are 100% guaranteed that this film will suck.

Give the price of your ticket to charity. Give it to a homeless guy. Just throw the money out your car window. Either way, the cash will be better spent.

Yes, I do like some of the actors in the movie. That’s not enough. Yes, there is a wrestling scene between Kim Kardasian and Carmen Electra. But it won’t be as good as you imagine and it will be too short to matter in the hour and a half of awful you’ll have to sit through (besides, you can find it online so you don’t have to see the movie at all).

Please do not see this film. I will lose all respect for you if you do.

 3. College (2,123 Theaters, 94 Minutes, Rated R): Wow. All three of the movies released today are around an hour and a half long. You can see all three in the same day and be home in time to cry yourself to sleep.

Yeah, I thought the TV ads for this film were pretty daring. No, not for the racy content. But for comparing itself to Animal House, Revenge of the Nerds, and American Pie, essentially stating that it was the college comedy of the 2000s. Wait a tic, wasn’t Old School released in 2003? Yes. Yes it was. And Accepted was released in 2006. You know what that makes you, College? At best, the Delta House, How I Got Into College and PCU of the 2000s.

The plot focuses on three High School seniors who visit the local college, supposedly on a fact finding trip, and become engrossed in sex, beer and rowdiness. I go to college and, darn it, it just isn’t like that. For me at least.

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About William Gatevackes 1931 Articles
William is cursed with the shared love of comic books and of films. Luckily, this is a great time for him to be alive. His writing has been featured on Broken Frontier.com, PopMatters.com and in Comics Foundry magazine.

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