New Releases: February 6, 2015

1. The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water (Paramount, 3,641 Theaters, 93 Minutes, Rated PG for mild action and rude humor, Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer at press time, 72% Fresh (39 Reviews):  Okay, show of hands, who thought that SpongeBob SquarePants would still be around 16 years after his cartoon debuted? Or, that he would be getting a second film eleven years after his first one (although, originally it was supposed to come out last year)?

Not only is the fellow who lives in a pineapple under the sea popular enough to support another film, he’s upgraded from David Hasselfoff to Antonio Banderas in this one. And, while not all reviews are in, this film might be the critic’s favorite by a LARGE margin.

When the recipe for Krabby Patties goes missing, SpongeBob and the gang must travel to our world to rescue it. Unfortunately for them, it’s in the hands of Burger Beard the Pirate (Banderas). Lucky for them, they get superpowers up on the surface.

2. Jupiter Ascending (Warner Brothers, 3,181 Theaters,127 Minutes, Rated PG-13 for some violence, sequences of sci-fi action, some suggestive content and partial nudity, Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer at press time: 26% Fresh (96 Reviews):  What happened to the Wachowski siblings? Bound and The Matrix promised untapped potential in the pair asdirectors of daring takes on genre material. Then the Matrix sequels hit, and they were turgid and bloated where the original was taut and exciting. Speed Racer could kindly be called a noble failure, but the same courtesy might not be as easily applied by all to Cloud Atlas.

Then we come to this. Mila Kunis plays a janitor who finds out she is an heir to an alien royal family. Channing Tatum plays the half-human/half wolf bounty hunter tasked with bring Kunis to her home planet so she can claim her throne.

That is just a brief description of the film. Being that this is the Wachowski’s, the plot is way more convoluted than that. This is their first original work since The Matrix and it reads like something a high school freshman would come up with during their study hall. The film was originally supposed to hit theaters last July, but was moved to February. The official reason was to give them more time to work on the digital effects, but nothing is ever delayed to February for any other reason but to bury it.

3. Seventh Son (Universal, 2,872 Theaters, 102 Minutes, Rated PG-13 for intense fantasy violence and action throughout, frightening images and brief strong language, Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer at press time: 7% Fresh (43 Reviews):  I don’t know if it was luck or design, but Jupiter Ascending has the good fortune of not being the worst reviewed film released this week. Granted, we can expect about 60 more reviews to come in, but its unlikely that the 7% Fresh this film has will get that much higher, especially considering that most of the reviews that are in call this film one of the worst of 2015 and February has just started.

This film too has been delayed, but more than once. It was supposed to come out in 2013, then 2014 before landing in the frozen wasteland that is this time of year in the cinema.

The film is based on the British novel, The Spook’s Apprentice, and it deals with a young man (Ben Barnes) who has been chosen to learn how to defend his homeland from supernatural threats at the hands of a master sorcerer (Jeff Bridges). However, his apprenticeship might come to an early end, as a powerful witch (Julianne Moore) has escaped while the master is away and looks to wreak havoc on the town.