{"id":40082,"date":"2017-03-06T18:50:31","date_gmt":"2017-03-06T23:50:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.filmbuffonline.com\/FBOLNewsreel\/wordpress\/?p=40082"},"modified":"2021-01-11T17:13:39","modified_gmt":"2021-01-11T22:13:39","slug":"text-end-deadpool-no-good-deed-really-say","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.filmbuffonline.com\/FBOLNewsreel\/wordpress\/2017\/03\/06\/text-end-deadpool-no-good-deed-really-say\/","title":{"rendered":"So What Did That Text At The End Of DEADPOOL: NO GOOD DEED Really Say?"},"content":{"rendered":"

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This weekend, moviegoers were surprised with the appearance of a short clip featuring sarcastic anti-superhero Deadpool before the latest X-Men<\/strong> franchise installment Logan<\/strong>. Some folks wanted to call it a trailer for the inevitable Deadpool 2, but Deadpool writer\/producer Rhett Reese told the Hollywood Reporter<\/a> that the clip is a short film, not a trailer, as Deadpool 2<\/strong> is still only in the casting phase. That idea was reinforced when Deadpool<\/strong> star Ryan Reynolds released the short on to his YouTube channel under the title No Good Deed.<\/p>\n

(It should be noted that the version Reynolds posted has a couple of differences in terms of music cues, a few extra gags and an appearance of someone than was not seen in theaters.)<\/p>\n

But besides putting a rest to any misconceptions about the short, it also helped clear up something else. What the heck was actually written in that long, swiftly scrolling block of text at the end. The folks at Comic Book<\/a> took it upon themselves to transcribe out what essentially looks like a junior high book report. In fact, I would give some kid ten bucks to be the first to try and turn this in as an actual homework assignment.<\/p>\n

The Old Man and the Sea<\/em> is the story of a fight between an elderly, accomplished fisherman, Santiago, and a really big fish. Like\u2026 HUGE. The story opens with Santiago suffering eighty-four days without catching a fish because he\u2019s the unluckiest son-of-a-bitch on planet earth. Honestly, if you were in a boat for eighty-four days, it\u2019d be hard to NOT catch a fish\u2026 even by accident. Santiago was so unlucky that his apprentice, Manolin, was forbidden by his Ma and Pa to fish with him. But as The Fresh Prince used to say, \u2018Parents Just Don\u2019t Understand\u2019. So the boy visits Santiago\u2019s shack anyway.<\/p>\n

Ignoring the inherent risks of unsupervised playtime with an elderly man who talks to himself, Manolin helps out, moving Santiago\u2019s fishing gear, making food and talking about baseball. Especially Joe DiMaggio; who used to bump fuzzies with Marilyn Monroe. The next day, Santiago tells Manolin that he\u2019s going way out into the Gulf Stream. WAY OUT north of Cuba. Lady luck is returning!<\/p>\n

On the eighty-fifth day of his crappy luck, Santiago drops his lines, and by noon, gets a bite from what feels like a big ass fish. He\u2019s sure it\u2019s a winner. He fights and fights and fights but can\u2019t pull the monster in. Santiago\u2019s leaky old boat is pulled by the fish for two days and nights as he holds on for dear life. Even though he\u2019s bloody and beat, Santiago begins to appreciate this mighty adversary. He starts calling him \u201cbrother\u201d or maybe even, \u201cbro.\u201d It\u2019s sort of a love story if you really think about it. And like most romantic comedies, the reader pictures a delightful outfit changing montage, followed by the inevitable interspecies wedding.<\/p>\n

But on the third day, Santiago is freakin\u2019 EXHAUSTED, and decides he just wants the fish to do what he says and not always swim wherever it wants. So he stabs it. With a f*cking harpoon. It\u2019s a mess. Super gross. Blood everywhere. Because, like many men his age, Santiago has difficulty expressing his emotions and fears with words \u2014 instead giving in to base desires \u2014 and imposing his gigantically terrible positions on any given subject through unblinking violence. Typical.<\/p>\n

Anyway, he straps the marlin to the side of his skiff and hits the road home, ready to act like a total show off to everyone and probably gouge people on the price. But guess what? Pretty soon sharks begin to attack the bleeding marlin\u2019s carcass, because we all know, life is a tragic opera and just when you think you\u2019ve finally found something good and true, sharks come along and rip it all to f*cking shreds while dry-humping your dignity with their crazy-weird shark dicks. Sure, Santiago tries killing a few of them, but drops his harpoon because his hands are just as old as he is. By nighttime, the sharks have pretty much eaten the entire marlin.<\/p>\n

Only a bleach-white skeleton remains, silently mocking him in the murky darkness. Santiago realizes he\u2019s still unlucky. REALLY unlucky. (Duh!) He calls the sharks \u201cdream killers\u201d. Which isn\u2019t really all that fair. I mean, the sharks were just doing their job and the marlin\u2026 Jesus, don\u2019t even get me started on the marlin! It was just hanging out one day, minding it\u2019s own business, maybe thinking about ways it could be a better provider for it\u2019s family and WHAM! Harpoon in the brain. Who\u2019s the \u201cdream killer\u201d now, f*ckface? The hypocrisy is pretty much boundless at this point.<\/p>\n

Eventually Santiago makes it ashore. Leaving the bones of the marlin and the boat, he hobbles to his shack. He makes it home and crashes, like I said \u2014 he\u2019s super tired. The next morning a group of fishermen gather around Santiago\u2019s boat. One measures the skeleton and, holy sh*t-shingles! It\u2019s over 18 feet! The head of the fish is given to Pedrico (strange that this is the first mention of him) and the other fishermen ask Manolin to send their glad tidings to the old man.<\/p>\n

Manolin brings Santiago newspapers and coffee when he wakes and they decide to fish together again. Many years later, there\u2019s a Red Lobster Restaurant in nearly every city in America, offering a casual dining experience and convenient parking.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n