{"id":6720,"date":"2010-01-07T01:00:50","date_gmt":"2010-01-07T06:00:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.filmbuffonline.com\/FBOLNewsreel\/wordpress\/?p=6720"},"modified":"2018-11-14T00:22:27","modified_gmt":"2018-11-14T05:22:27","slug":"worst-of-2009-a-bakers-dozen","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.filmbuffonline.com\/FBOLNewsreel\/wordpress\/2010\/01\/07\/worst-of-2009-a-bakers-dozen\/","title":{"rendered":"Worst Of 2009: A Baker’s Dozen"},"content":{"rendered":"

I admit to pangs of guilt whenever I publish my list of least favorite films.\u00a0 Having written and directed films myself, I know the hardships filmmakers face.\u00a0 Anyone who can get any film made has already achieved something quite difficult.\u00a0 However, the filmmakers below have been mostly well paid and when you factor in the celebrity perks they also receive, I wouldn\u2019t cry too many tears for them.\u00a0 So while I may feel some small twinge of guilt, I still have to call them the way I see them because if I am not honest, I am useless as a critic.\u00a0 Here are the films of 2009 that I liked least; in alphabetical order:<\/p>\n

1.\u00a0\u00a0 12<\/strong><\/p>\n

I love Russian films.\u00a0 I love courtroom dramas.\u00a0 So, a Russian remake of the 1957 film 12 Angry Men<\/strong> sounded like it had possibilities, especially since it was made by Nikita Mikhalkov, the Oscar winning director, sometimes referred to as the Russian Spielberg.\u00a0 But, increasing the run-time of the 90 minute original to a Siberia sized 160 minutes by giving each character an extended back-story just makes this film drag.\u00a0 And, there might be something about Russian jurisprudence that doesn\u2019t translate to my American brain, because I was completely unable to understand exactly how returning a verdict of guilty for this obviously innocent defendant was going to benefit him.\u00a0 However, if Nikita Mikhalkov was trying to replicate the Soviet Gulag experience by making us feel trapped with people we don\u2019t know, for an indeterminate time period, for crimes we didn\u2019t commit, then he succeeded.\u00a0 Available on DVD.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>2.\u00a0 2012<\/strong><\/p>\n

There are people who believe the alleged Mayan prophecy that the world will end on December 21, 2012.\u00a0 For me, since the Mayans were unable to predict their own demise at the hands of European invaders, this automatically calls their abilities as prognosticators into serious question.\u00a0 But, if the end does come in 2012, I am certain it will NOT look like the film 2012<\/strong>.\u00a0 It\u2019s not so much the breaches in physics or logic that bother me (they are part of the disaster film genre after all), it\u2019s the mind-numbing stupidity regarding the human elements of 2012<\/strong> that really annoy me.\u00a0 When actors the caliber of John Cusack and Chiwetel Ejiofor can\u2019t save your dialog, something is very, very wrong.\u00a0 Plus the special effects in this film are so annoyingly digital and fake looking, I fairly wanted to scratch my eyes out.\u00a0 Director Roland Emmerich ladles on digital effects for the same reason incompetent chefs pour on a thick sauce.\u00a0 They are simply trying to cover over inferior ingredients.<\/p>\n

3.\u00a0\u00a0 Avatar<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s been said that Hollywood no longer makes cheap \u201cB\u201d pictures; not true, they still make them, only now they spend $300 million dollars on them.\u00a0 My disappointment with Avatar<\/strong> is that for all the technical advancements in\u00a0 3D and CGI, it is still nothing more than a sci-fi remake of Dances With Wolves<\/strong>, with a touch of Tarzan<\/strong>. \u00a0The story follows a Marine named Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) sent to learn the ways of the Na\u2019Vi, the peaceful indigenous people on the planet Pandora.\u00a0 Since they are super tall and blue, Jake appears to them as an \u201cavatar\u201d, a kind of bio-robot that he controls remotely.\u00a0 Amazingly, the elongated blue CGI characters look pretty cool (and tantalizingly sexy) and their faces are able to register complex expressions, even in close up.\u00a0 On the minus side, the Na\u2019Vi characters don\u2019t seem to have any heft to them and they move like the Pink Panther.\u00a0 To offset this visual discrepancy, the forests of Pandora have been filled with luminescent plants that light up whenever they are stepped on, but this just reminded me of the sidewalk in Michael Jackson\u2019s Billie Jean<\/strong> video.\u00a0 A big narrative failing in Avatar<\/strong> is the one-note villains.\u00a0 The Marines (previously the heroes in Aliens<\/strong>)\u00a0 are now presented as gun-toting jarheads only too happy to shoot women and children.\u00a0 It says something when the most emotionally complex bad guy ever to appear in a James Cameron film was the iceberg in Titanic<\/strong>.\u00a0 But, since the primitive Na\u2019Vi, using only their bows and arrows manage to defeat the Marines despite all of their high tech weaponry, it would seem that the real message of Avatar<\/strong> is that those who embrace high technology and ignore the interconnectedness of trees (or some such green-chic nonsense) are doomed.\u00a0 Is it me, or is that just a weird message to be coming from James Cameron?\u00a0 So, I am conflicted about Avatar<\/strong>.\u00a0 Yes, the use of 3D and CGI in this film is remarkable and must represent a giant step forward in film technology, on the other hand, like director Raoul Walsh (White Heat<\/strong>) once said, \u201cIf you haven\u2019t got the story, you haven\u2019t got anything.\u201d and Avatar<\/strong> does not have the story.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>4.\u00a0\u00a0 Cheri<\/strong><\/p>\n

This sounded good; director Stephen Frears re-teaming with writer Christopher Hampton and star Michelle Pfeiffer to make another bawdy tale about louche French people after a 20+ year hiatus from their last hit Dangerous Liaisons<\/strong>.\u00a0 But, while lightning can strike the same place twice in the physical world, it rarely does so in the movie world.\u00a0 This film about a young man nick-named Cheri (luscious Rupert Friend, Johnny Depp\u2019s boy-toy in The Libertine<\/strong>) who is sent to learn the secrets of love making from an old courtesan founders on the rocks of believability when the retired courtesan is played by the stunning Michelle Pfeiffer.\u00a0 Let\u2019s be real, even though Pfeiffer is past 50, she has lost none of her beauty or charm.\u00a0 And we\u2019re supposed to believe that Pfeiffer has been forced into retirement because men no longer consider her attractive?\u00a0 That is more unbelievable than the digital effects in 2012<\/strong>.\u00a0 Available on DVD.<\/p>\n

5.\u00a0\u00a0 The Cove<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Cove<\/strong> is a documentary expos\u00e9 that sets out to film the annual round up of bottle-nose dolphins in Taiji, Japan where most get sold to aquariums or dolphin research facilities and the rest are herded into a shallow cove where they are killed for their meat.\u00a0 Since the killing occurs in private away from public view, the filmmakers break into the titular cove under cover of night and ring the area with digital cameras camouflaged as rocks.\u00a0 And yes, the hidden camera footage of the dolphins being killed is not pretty.\u00a0 But the fact remains, the Japanese fishermen are killing the dolphins for food.\u00a0 The filmmakers are against this because according to them, dolphins are intelligent animals and should not be eaten.\u00a0 Well, pigs are also intelligent animals and lots of people think they should not be eaten either.\u00a0 Furthermore, the film makes its questionable case by using vague anecdotes, scientific misinformation and demonstrable lies.\u00a0 The Cove<\/strong> anthropomorphizes dolphins all out of proportion, we see numerous interviews with dipsticks who wax poetic about the “love” they feel from dolphins, but this is simply their own inflated egos turning a dolphin’s innate curiosity into some kind of “spiritual” connection.\u00a0 But, whatever you may feel personally about the Taiji dolphin harvest, it is still just hard working Japanese fishermen doing something completely legal in Japan which has been surreptitiously captured on film by arrogant, self-righteous Americans using highly illegal and unethical methods.\u00a0 To me, encroaching upon another countries sovereignty simply because you don’t like their choice of diet is just plain wrong.\u00a0 Available on DVD.<\/p>\n

6.\u00a0\u00a0 Invictus<\/strong><\/p>\n

I found this film insufferable.\u00a0 The real Nelson Mandela is a thoroughly inspiring man, but as played by Morgan Freeman, he comes across as Yoda-like nit-wit spouting off a philosophy so simple minded it would embarrass even the flightiest of New Age adherents.\u00a0 Invictus<\/strong> is nothing more than a two hour plus scolding lesson full of inspirational haranguing that has the ultimate effect of pummeling you into brain dead, but laudatory submission.\u00a0 Don\u2019t be fooled, the people who praise this film are simply praising the idea<\/em><\/strong> of the film, so they can pretend to be a better person than you because they have not gone to the movies for any selfish reason like personal enjoyment or fun, but because seeing a medicinal film like this serves to prove their moral superiority and makes them feel better about themselves.\u00a0 As for the actual movie, Invictus<\/strong> is inept and sloppily made.\u00a0 Nelson Mandela deserves better than this.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>7.\u00a0 \u00a0Julie & Julia<\/strong><\/p>\n

This was a disappointment because the film is so profoundly out of balance.\u00a0 The two stories told here should complement each other, but they don\u2019t.\u00a0 The story of Julia Child (Meryl Streep) in Paris with her diplomat husband Paul (Stanley Tucci) and her growing interest in classic French cuisine is fascinating.\u00a0 The second story following office drone Julie Powell (Amy Adams) and her boyfriend (Chris Messina) doesn\u2019t amount to anything.\u00a0 The real Julia Child made a noteworthy addition to American culture with her cooking show on PBS and her Mastering The Art Of French Cooking<\/em><\/strong> cook-book.\u00a0 What did Julie Powell do other than cook all the recipes in Julia Child\u2019s book (something any number of American housewives have already done), and write a blog about it?\u00a0 The two stories don\u2019t add up.\u00a0 Perhaps Julie Powell did find meaning in her life by cooking Julia Childs recipes and if she did, great.\u00a0 But that doesn\u2019t make for much of a movie.\u00a0\u00a0 Available on DVD.<\/p>\n

8.\u00a0\u00a0 The Limits Of Control<\/strong><\/p>\n

This was my single biggest disappointment all year.\u00a0 As a fan of Jim Jarmusch, the idea of him making a shambling European road movie with the elegant Isaach De Bankole (Manderlay<\/strong>, Casino Royale<\/strong>) as a mysterious stranger who always orders two espressos in two separate cups wherever he goes while on some undefined mission sounded intriguing, especially when the film promised supporting roles for John Hurt, Tilda Swinton, Bill Murray and Gael Garcia Bernal among others.\u00a0 But it all went wrong somewhere along the line.\u00a0 To some fans of Jim Jarmusch, The Limits Of Control<\/strong> represents him stripping down a films narrative elements to their barest outline in order to make an artistic point.\u00a0 But for me, this film just goes nowhere, achieves nothing, means nothing and takes a long time to get there.\u00a0 Available on DVD.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>9.\u00a0\u00a0 Red Cliff<\/strong><\/p>\n

This is an incomprehensible film about some huge battle that took place a long time ago in China.\u00a0 But, because of the minimal differentiation in the costumes, I found it quite impossible to figure out who was fighting whom at any given moment.\u00a0 The action sequences are uneven, choppy and edited with all the grace and attention span of a hummingbird on speed. \u00a0This film is even more annoyingly digital than 2012<\/strong>; something I would have thought impossible.\u00a0 Truly, I\u2019ve seen more believable backgrounds on pinball machines.\u00a0 And there were parts of this film that made me laugh out loud when I don\u2019t think they were meant to, like during a tender post-battle moment between a warrior who has been bandaged by his wife.\u00a0 He looks at her solemnly and says, \u201cYou wrapped me up like a rice ball\u201d.\u00a0 I laughed so hard I nearly choked on my Milk Duds!\u00a0 I\u2019ve been told that the version of Red Cliff<\/strong> I saw has been edited down from a four-hour plus original and that is why it may have seemed incoherent.\u00a0 Perhaps that\u2019s true, but nothing, and I mean nothing in this world will ever get me to see the longer version of Red Cliff<\/strong>.\u00a0 Life is just too short for that.<\/p>\n

10.\u00a0\u00a0 The Road<\/strong><\/p>\n

I understand the Cormac McCarthy novel The Road<\/strong> is an excellent read, full of allegory, symbolism and the transubstantiation of ideas into characters and all of that is fine.\u00a0 But while a book can leave things to your imagination, a movie has to show you things and The Road<\/strong> never explains in any coherent manner just what has happened to the world to send its surviving inhabitants scrounging along the titular road.\u00a0 Don\u2019t tell me it doesn\u2019t matter either, because everything from the sets, costumes, locations, cinematography and special effects are contingent upon the type of disaster that has befallen the Earth.\u00a0 I mean, a nuclear holocaust would look quite different from say, massive flooding.\u00a0 Too many extraneous questions kept occurring to me during the film when I should have been caring about the protagonists.\u00a0 For instance, we see massive evidence of wildfires, but how is that possible when there is a drenching rain almost every day?\u00a0 We see predatory humans keep weaker humans locked up as a cannibalistic food source.\u00a0 OK then, so what do they feed the captive humans to keep them alive until they can become dinner?\u00a0 Trying to make sense out of this film will only make your brain hurt and you know something, it\u2019s just not worth it.<\/p>\n

11. Seraphine<\/strong><\/p>\n

I have been given a lot of grief for not liking this film.\u00a0 Apparently, since I find this bio-pic shallow, uninteresting and dull, this somehow means I hate women painters and want to see all of their notable achievements erased from the history of art.\u00a0 I know this film won seven Cesar Awards (the French Oscars) including Best Picture and I thought the performance by little known actress Yolanda Moreau as the female painter Seraphine de Senlis was compelling, but what else does this film offer?\u00a0 Does it provide any inkling as to who Seraphine was, or what made her tick, or why her art was worth serious collecting?\u00a0 My point is this, it is because women painters have been ignored by art historians over the years that you should demand a lot more from filmmakers whenever a female artist is portrayed in a movie.\u00a0 Get mad at the filmmakers who did this half-assed job with Seraphine<\/strong>, not me the critic for pointing it out.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>12.\u00a0\u00a0 Watchmen<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not like we needed another super-hero movie!\u00a0 I am not familiar with the graphic novel this film was based on, but it could not be as badly paced, disjointed or as ridiculously predictable as this film was.\u00a0 I knew nothing of the story, yet I identified the villain within the first 15 minutes.\u00a0 I would have thought it impossible to make Billy Crudup, Jackie Earle Haley and Matthew Goode uninteresting, but they were.\u00a0 So the lesson here is that even with the most expensive sets, costumes, cinematography and special effects money can buy, if you don\u2019t have an interesting story or interesting characters, none of that other stuff matters.\u00a0 So, if the 300<\/strong> \u201cauteur\u201d wants to take the credit for another \u201cUn Film de Zack Snyder\u201d, he should also get the blame when the film doesn\u2019t work.\u00a0 And Watchmen<\/strong> doesn\u2019t work.\u00a0 Available on DVD.<\/p>\n

13.\u00a0\u00a0 Wendy And Lucy<\/strong><\/p>\n

Wendy (Michelle Williams) is a young woman attempting to drive across Oregon on her way to Alaska where she hopes to find work in the salmon canneries, when her car breaks down.\u00a0 Why she is making this long trip is not explained except for some vague hints at family problems.\u00a0 Lucy, her dog, is a cheerful brown mutt who is ten times more likable and infinitely smarter than her human companion.\u00a0 I know Wendy is facing tough times but Wendy somehow manages to exacerbate her bad luck by being aggressively stupid and a total jerk.\u00a0 When she ran out of dry kibble for Lucy, why did she attempt to shoplift a can of dog food when she had the money to pay for it?\u00a0 And she didn\u2019t help her case by getting mad at the clerk who caught her thieving or the police who arrested her.\u00a0 What did she think the mechanic at the garage would do after she lied about having enough money to pay for her car\u2019s repairs?\u00a0 Why does she sleep outside in the open where she can be hassled by any creep who happens by?\u00a0 While Wendy And Lucy<\/strong> may seem like the polar opposite of films like 2012<\/strong> and Watchmen<\/strong> because it doesn\u2019t have any digital effects or expensive production design, in many ways it is just like them in that it also has no interesting story nor any interesting characters, except maybe the dog.\u00a0 Available on DVD.<\/p>\n

Dishonorable Mentions:<\/p>\n

35 Shots Of Rum<\/strong>, Antichrist<\/strong>, The Brothers Bloom<\/strong>, Ciao<\/strong>, Departures<\/strong>, G.I. Joe: The Rise Of The Cobra<\/strong>, Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince<\/strong>, Humpday<\/strong>, Hunger<\/strong>, The International<\/strong>, Little Ashes<\/strong>, The Merry Gentleman<\/strong>, Nine<\/strong>, Oh My God<\/strong>, Revanche<\/strong>, Sherlock Holmes<\/strong>, Spread<\/strong>, State Of Play<\/strong>, Still Walking<\/strong>, Summer Hours<\/strong>, Tetro<\/strong>, Trucker<\/strong>, Up In The Air<\/strong>, Whatever Works<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I admit to pangs of guilt whenever I publish my list of least favorite films.\u00a0 Having written and directed films myself, I know the hardships filmmakers face.\u00a0 Anyone who can get any film made has [click for more]<\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":6721,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_ef_editorial_meta_date_first-draft-date":"","_ef_editorial_meta_paragraph_assignment":"","_ef_editorial_meta_checkbox_needs-photo":"","_ef_editorial_meta_number_word-count":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1695],"tags":[],"series":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-6720","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-features"},"aioseo_notices":[],"nelio_content":{"autoShareEndMode":"never","automationSources":{"useCustomSentences":false,"customSentences":[]},"efiAlt":"","efiUrl":"","followers":[2,5],"highlights":[],"isAutoShareEnabled":false,"networkImageIds":[],"permalinkQueryArgs":[],"series":[],"suggestedReferences":[]},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.filmbuffonline.com\/FBOLNewsreel\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6720","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.filmbuffonline.com\/FBOLNewsreel\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.filmbuffonline.com\/FBOLNewsreel\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.filmbuffonline.com\/FBOLNewsreel\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.filmbuffonline.com\/FBOLNewsreel\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6720"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.filmbuffonline.com\/FBOLNewsreel\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6720\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.filmbuffonline.com\/FBOLNewsreel\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6721"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.filmbuffonline.com\/FBOLNewsreel\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6720"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.filmbuffonline.com\/FBOLNewsreel\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6720"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.filmbuffonline.com\/FBOLNewsreel\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6720"},{"taxonomy":"series","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.filmbuffonline.com\/FBOLNewsreel\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/series?post=6720"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}